I Hate You / I Love You: My Struggle with Venus

13 05 2010

©May 2010 by Fabienne Lopez

I was struggling with my article about my inner/outer dialogue with  Venus.  Venus has always been my unlived planet and my writing is very rooted in my personal experience. Hard for me to write about Venus since I do not have a lot of experience with this planet.

Venus is ruled by Libra. But my Venus is in detriment – located in Libra’s opposite sign — in Aries. My Venus is also retrograde – meaning it seems from a geocentric point of view to go backwards in my birth chart. See Wikipedia: retrograde motion. Not a happy placement for Venus, where her qualities, as described in astrology manuals, are in conflict with the qualities  ascribed to Aries. Making difficult  for me to express both energies in a harmonious way. In astrology when a planet is retrograde, the energy of the planet is experienced in a more subjective, internal way. Thus your experience and expression of the planet’s energy is very unique to you. With Venus retrograde in my natal chart, my concept of beauty is different, comes from a different place, than those around me.

I often use the analogy of a beautiful dress that is slightly tight and scratchy. You love the dress but each time you wear it, it rubs you. After a few hours, you can’t wait to take it off, but you still come back to the dress because you are really attracted to it.

Venus is also part of a T-square with my Moon and Saturn, and is even less happy about these aspects. Her only redeeming strength is her placement in my second house that is naturally ruled by Venus. Technically, this is an ideal astrological position as it promises easy means of livelihood and a great esthetic sense with an eye for fashion and beauty — mostly true, but it is hampered by my T-Square to be fully effective. It feels like a talented dancer choreographing her steps for her a gala performance, dancing, twirling in full blossom creativity with a wooden leg. No way to hide, lose it, or believe the leg is not there. You just have to find a way to use that leg to your advantage, make it your trademark, your special talent that offsets you apart from the other dancers. I need to use to my advantage the fact that my concept of beauty and relationship does not conform to society’s standards and find my own tribe.

The usual descriptions about Venus in Aries have never rung true for me. As I read about it in astrology books and websites, the descriptions seem rushed and short, as if there was not much to say about a Venus in Aries woman. And what I read, I can only vaguely identify with. How is she seductive? How is she sexy? Maybe this is my retrograde Venus speaking. This is my unlived planet.

Then, as beginning astrologer, I learned my Venus was a warrior princess, much like Xena. I can identify myself in her spirit of adventure, her independence and her courage. But my moon in Libra cringes at the lack of perceived femininity, a certain lack of daintiness and coyness. My moon in Libra is sweet, charming, seductive, a true child of Venus, seeking gracefulness, joy and life’s enjoyment. She is put off by Xena’s more combative energy, so opposite her own feminine ideal, making difficult for her to claim this warrior-like quality at all. My moon’s need for meaningful relationships seethes at being confronted with the superficial and sometimes callous way a Venus in Aries can treat her friends, lovers and acquaintances. My Venus in Aries honesty and lack of guile  does not provide the necessary balance between the disparate energies of Libra and Aries.

My chart tells the story of my planet’s dispossession. Venus falls in my second house of values and money. My mother was the Venus in the family. She was beautiful. She was my father’s folly — with black hair, almond eyes, high cheekbones and an air of mystery about her. Picture Ava Gardner. She has Venus in Libra, close to the mid heaven. In my child eyes, she was the personification of beauty, charm and grace. I hear her voice, a low sound, much the purring of a cat. I was in awe of her, as any mortal can be of a goddess. When I was a child, she captured my imagination and my feelings. My love for her was exclusive, all encompassing. I loved her with all the passion a child can love. She was my sun and my moon. Literally, as I have my Moon in Libra conjunct her Venus.

To this day there is a degree of adoration and a wanting of fusion with my mother that still makes me irk, says my Sun in Aries in the first house. My Sun in Aries in the first house makes me the counterpoint to my mother.

I was clumsy as she was graceful. I wore glasses while she had excellent eyesight. I had mousy brown hair; she had a glorious mane of jet black thickness. I still see her rolling her eyes each time I would break something, as if she could not believe such a clumsy child was her daughter. Yet, I relished my role as her mirror, being her little companion, giving her adoration and companionship.

But, sometimes, I felt non existent, a mere appendage to my glowing, shining, gorgeous mother, a pawn in her ongoing war with my father. As a payback to my father and to avoid competition with my mother, I undercut my girly-ness, with an ambiguous gender message. And I made myself her favorite. She praised me often for being an obedient child, but never for my beauty.

As I grew up, my Venus/Moon opposition understood that message loud and clear. If I wanted my mother’s attention I was not to compete with her in any way shape or form. Any feeble attempt at discovering my own femininity was not so subtly undercut by her. I still remember her laughter at my fashion experiments! Oh, the shame.

The result of this dark side of Venus/Moon opposition was a schism between the two sides of my femininity. I got stuck with the unresolved and  unsettled push and pull of nurture and sex, the security of committed relationship and the lusty pleasures of desire without a clue on how to partner what seemed to me as irreconcilable differences in myself. My discomfort with the dichotomy led me to failed attempts at seduction. My Venus in Aries would lust for the conquest of an unattainable love interest, pursue him with the all the might of her warrior energy, in order to prove her she could it. Only to discover that her Moon was utterly unhappy. What was the point of the conquest, if no relationship was developed, no commitment was made, no vows were uttered. My moon in Libra would then dedicate herself to building relationships, only to realize she was casting herself into her childhood role as a companion – think Victorian romance novels.

I spent most of my adult life responding to the call of my Moon in Libra, ignoring my Venus in Aries, too afraid to answer her summons. “What makes me happy? What makes me feel beautiful and appreciated?” she whispered.

I no longer want to run from her. As I grow older, I feel the need to be more respectful of who I am, and that includes paying attention to my Venus and changing my attitude towards her. In order to do that, I change my perspective. Instead of asking myself what do I want from her, I start by pondering her needs, her interests, her wishes and desires, what she wants and expects from me.

As I reflect on her, I stumble upon Dana Gerhardt article on Venus, Who is Venus? As I read it I discover some much needed guidance, a starting point where I can create a relationship with my Venus and get to know her.

Gerhardt asks, “Wherever Venus is located in your chart, do you make this part of your life beautiful? Do you offer time for sensuous experiences here? Do you allow yourself to open and surrender? Do you laugh, do you appreciate, and are you playful, so that everyone around you is inspired by your joy? Venus’ sign suggests how to decorate her temple, filling it with things that most comfort, honor, and please you. Read her aspects to other planets as stories of her escapades, where she was most delighted or perhaps challenged and even overcome. Let learning about your Venus be an act of pleasure, not a chore. Start with whatever happiness you find in her house and sign and build from that.”

I will embrace my Venus in Aries. This means I am starting my path into the apprenticeship of a sexy warrior and mastering the game of relationships. But I’m scared. I’m not sure if this will get me what I want. I’m not sure if this is the right direction, if I can initiate a dialogue between my conflicting needs. I’m not sure if I will be able to find my necessary flow between these two confluences. But I am committed to my apprenticeship of the sexy warrior, and face my challenges head on. I’ll keep you posted!


Photos Credits:  Flickr Creative Commons




13 responses

16 05 2010

i have VenusRx in Scorpio (similar to it in Aries is some ways) opposite Saturn and Mars in Libra. this blog was great to read!
i noticed that almost every time Venus went Rx – every 18 months – i started a significant new relationship only to have it dwindle after the Rx period was over. my take is that since i was born with it Rx, i don’t express my desires. when it goes Rx, i do express them while everyone else with it born in normal direction experiences what i feel most of the time. i noticed a lot of relationships run into difficulty at this time as if both parties are no longer giving, but asking for affection and attention. and here i come along, super expressive and desiring to harmonize making me far more attractive to those experiencing a Venus ‘reversal’. they want to take and i want to give.
things really started to change for me after Venus went direct in my progressed chart, btw.
I see Venus as My Body. it makes a pentagram pattern with its retrograde and rules the 5 senses. i think its association to beauty is based on the Golden Ratio or Phi which is (√5 +1 )/2. Venus as My Body or Personal Earth is desired by Mars(Aries) as Fire seeks out Earth to contain it, to feed it, to make it productive. Earth ‘receives’ Fire. Venus want to harmonize with the melody of Mars, but when Venus is in Aries, she can’t wait. she becomes active and initiates her own melody – something Mars is supposed to do. instead of Fire burning on the Earth – like a log of wood – it becomes the Earth smothering the Fire. Aries is impatient, something Taurus has learned to enjoy. Venus in Aries is hard because she has to learn the lessons of being Venus without the support of her sign. She has to learn to control herself and not rush into love with a shotgun taking whomever seems to fit her conception of a good lover an mate. Venus is Aries is the Fool card applied to love. with it Rx, the Fool is going the ‘wrong’ way on the journey – which can make for a most interesting one.

16 05 2010
Astrology Unboxed

Hi Caleb:

You have some interesting perspectives to share. I also love Venus Rx periods. These periods tend to be very happy for some and all sorts of goods things happen, not always of a loving nature but they are generally very good. I tend to make more money during the Rx transit, as my Venus is in the 2nd house. I agree with your assessment that Venus Rx tends to express during the RX period what non-RX Venus express the rest of the time. Although I would also agree that Venus has to learn to lover herself without the support of her sign and needs to learn to be more discriminate, my own experience of Venus in Aries Rx is that it is a mostly celibate position for Venus. If you have ever read Jeffrey Wolf Green , his analysis of Venus Rx in Aries seems to describe perfectly my own experience. But then it is only my experience.
The only part I would disagree with you would be that Fires tends to look for Earth to contain it. I think it is theoretically true but it also depends on the blanc eof elements on the persons chart.
So are you looking forward to when Venus Rx in Scorpio later this year?

14 05 2010
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13 05 2010

Venus in Aries and retrograde. I have this, too!

For me, my retrograde Venus is also my chart ruler (Libra rising). It’s located in my 7th house (the other natural placement for Venus;)) but alas, mine is conjunct Saturn…so really not much Xena going on…although I am a bit foolhardy (some call it courage! LOL).

As my chart’s ruler I believe I’m very much living my Venus–this combination of things, the retrograde/saturn is truly how I view myself, my femininity or (feeling of) lack thereof. It’s not like living a pure Venus in Aries life, that is for sure.

I have my Moon also in Aries, but in the 7th house (and thus takes on that Libran tone–I can identify with your Libra moon description, actually).

So, it seems I very much have this Aries/Libra thing going on, too. It’s not an easy thing balancing one’s own needs with those of others…who comes first? Is it selfish to have needs of one’s own and is it OK to dare ask for what you want/need?

So, no, this doesn’t sound like the stereotypical Venus in Aries one reads about.

Still working through this Venus of mine. But I’m doing much better. At least now I do know that my needs are just as valid as the next person. And I’m much more comfortable with my inherent need for independence, personal (perhaps forceful at times) self-expression and definite “me” time.

Maybe I’ll grow into the true, assertive warrior princess soon-when Jupiter and Uranus move into Aries perhaps? One can hope!:)

Thanks so much for your post about this subject! I appreciate it!

14 05 2010
Astrology Unboxed

I agree with you, working through my own Venus has been a steep learning curve, but I am doing much better. As I work to gain assertiveness and express in a honest way my wants, needs and desires, it becomes easy to deal with my Venus.

13 05 2010

I love this post and can relate with a moon-Venus opposition as well, though perhaps mine is a bit easier with Venus direct in Aquarius in the 5th trine Saturn. A love of freedom and individuality. But what really rang true was the competitiveness I felt from my mother, quite a different creature than your own, but anything I do she competes with. Her Scorpio planets square my moon-Venus opposition.

A worthy mission, getting to know that Venus of yours. I think Jupiter and Uranus coming to visit will help, even if Venus Aries would rather do it by herself. My Venus has progressed to Aries now, and Aries must conquer everything, including fear. Good luck and enjoy the adventure!

14 05 2010
Astrology Unboxed


You have a point here. I can’t wait for Uranus to reach my sun although it will take some years. As I get to to know my own Venus, dealing with my own mother becomes easier and I can appreciate her legacy. Thank you for your blessings!

13 05 2010
Jorge Torres

Thank You Fabienne Lopez !!!

I Like Xena she has her own style !!!

Your post gave me good insights and also make me want to go understanding other planetsand houses and to think how can i make the most of them but definitely i will start with venus !!!!!

My Moon is also in Libra 10° !!!

Best Regards !!!

Blessings !!!

14 05 2010
Astrology Unboxed

HI Jorge:

Thank you for your support. It means the world for me and I am glad my articles help you gain a better understanding of astrology. What do you like about Xena?
Happy Birthday! Happy SR with many blessings.

13 05 2010
Eva McKellen

Great honest post! Thank you for sharing.

Xena is a gorgeous sexy woman and no matter how much of a warrior she is, she is always feminine. Great example you used for Venus in Aries!

I hope your Venus and Moon find peace 🙂

13 05 2010
Astrology Unboxed

Thanks Eva:

I feel 2010 in my apprentice year with Venus. I am learning to appreciate, understand her nature and see the good in Xena. She has many qualities and is a strong role model. I believe we will be great friends.
How is your book coming?

13 05 2010
Beth Barany

Fabienne, Your post is so French 🙂 Along the lines of “Je t’aime, moi non plus,” the French are so famous for. I enjoy how you parse apart our feminine struggle with our femininity. I know I forget and deny I’m a girl, sometimes. And eventual, my body gets so sad because of that.
PS. I LOVE Xena.

13 05 2010
Astrology Unboxed

Hi Beth:

I think you are right! I hadn’t thought about it, but it is true: my post seems very French and very Serge Gainsbourg like.
No surprise there since he and I share the same birthday!

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